Trauma: Why do I do what I do?! I’m so frustrated!
When we hear the word “trauma,” we think of many things: a bad car accident, an abusive parent, a painful breakup. When you hear the word “trauma,” what comes to mind? Maybe it’s a difficult memory from childhood. Or an unrequited teenage love. Or even the loss of a loved one. Trauma means different things to different people. And, when it comes to healing, that’s part of the problem. We often dismiss our painful experiences as “not that bad.” After all, “life is hard, “ we rationalize. “Everyone has their skeletons in the closet,” we say, minimizing our hurt… and comparing our pain to others and what they’ve been through, we bury ours under layers of denial.
Yet, try as we might to ignore them, the effects of our trauma remain. We may struggle with rage in relationships or have a habit we just can’t seem to let go of. We know we’re not living the life we’re capable of living and that we deserve. We’re intent on “getting better,” so we read self-help books and watch YouTube videos, but the ugly patterns eventually return.
Internationally recognized expert in trauma healing, Peter Levine, reminds us that “trauma is in the nervous system, not in the event.” In other words, it’s not so much about the circumstance, situation, or event(s) that caused the trauma as it is about the state of the body - and more specifically, the state of the nervous system that endured the event. Trauma is more about the lasting adverse effects on one’s functioning than the event itself.
Many men with whom I’ve worked in the area of sexually compulsive behavior have exclaimed, “I don’t know why I struggle with this! I wasn’t physically or sexually abused - I feel like my trauma isn’t good enough!” I gently remind them, “It’s not about the event or circumstances. It’s about your nervous system. It’s about how you responded to it and interpreted it as a young, innocent boy. It’s about the meaning you assigned it.” Comparing what happened to us vs what happened to others is not helpful. If you’ve been spinning your wheels in familiar but unhelpful patterns, there is hope.
With my training in Somatic Experiencing®, a widely-recognized trauma healing model, I can help you begin to find resolution, integration, and meaning in your story. I can help you find relief. As you know, working through difficult life events can be very painful, and you need someone in your corner. If you’d be willing to take the first step, please reach out. I’d love to hear your story.
—Brian Klink