The Loving Art of Saying No

There used to be few things that made me more fearful and apprehensive than saying no. Whether declining requests, invitations, or imposed obligations, exercising boundaries around ‘no’ was an exercise in frustration and regret. Often, saying no was a drawn-out decision involving a lot of anxiety and worry about how the other person would take it. Much of the time, I said yes when I would have rather said no, hoping to buy myself comfort by pleasing the other person. Some of my early experiments in saying no left me feeling scarred by the other person’s anger and frustration, further contributing to my unease with the whole process.

Over time, I’ve gotten better not only at saying no, but also at knowing when ‘no’ feels right for me. Recently, I’ve had a couple of opportunities to practice saying no. The first was around some volunteer work that I love. The work itself is meaningful and fulfilling. Over time however, an increase in the administrative tasks attached to this work and the demand for more hours per week started to become overwhelming. For a while I ignored the anxiety and noise this was creating in my life, because I’m passionate about the mission of the group and the people in it. I was afraid of letting the others down and appearing selfish by leaving. But eventually, the dissonance was too loud to ignore. The hours required of me were eating into time for my own spiritual practice and self-care, as well as precious family time, and I was starting to feel some resentment. The more I tuned in to my heart, the more I knew I needed to step away, no matter how good this work was. And when I was able to do that, expressing myself firmly and with love felt good and was well-received by the people in the organization that I had come to care about. To my complete surprise, the organization’s leadership team met the next day and decided to substantially reduce the hourly requirements, making it an easy decision for me to continue. It was a win-win not only for me and the organization, but for my fellow volunteers who now have a little more breathing room too.

The second opportunity for me to say no was clear, but not easy. A friend from another state and city decided to include me in her passion project - without my request or consent. At first I didn’t think much about being on her email chain, until she became unhappy that I wasn’t responding to her emails - that I hadn’t asked for - and she made specific requests on my time. Before I let myself get too annoyed, I was able to respond to her with love, affirming her for her efforts and offering my moral support from afar, but also asking to be removed from the group emails and gracefully declining her requests on my time. This situation helped me see that I can love and support a friend’s mission without needing to become part of it. After all, I have my own passions that require my time, love, energy and support!

Being able to step away from the volunteer project and to say no to my friend helped clarify three things for me. The first is that if we want to feel good, we need to follow our own heart’s calling. I can volunteer for the most worthy causes and end up feeling resentment and bitterness for not listening to my own needs. I trust that my heart will guide me to give in the way that is best for me at the time. Secondly, speaking my truth can effect change for the better without me ever intending it!  The third lesson learned is that I can fully support a friend, send her love and wish her well without feeling obligated to say yes when my answer is really no. A loving no, when it feels right, frees another from the frustration of their unrealistic expectations of me. And my loving ‘no’ allows me to step into my own truth, which is ultimately more loving toward myself.

—Amy Briggs