How do I know if my sexual behavior is a problem? Take this easy, 3 minute quiz.
In our modern culture, so much more in the area of sexuality is accepted and even mainstream than in preceding decades. Yet the quiet struggle to find oneself sexually and the desire not to hurt others in the process can be confusing and overwhelming. What may feel like a natural, healthy expression of sexuality to one person may well be problematic and even destructively addictive for another. How can well-intended people find clarity in today’s complicated world of sexual expression? How can you know if your sexual behavior and habits are problematic?
Out of my experience as a recovering sex and love addict, I’ve compiled a list of questions that can help you shed some light. I encourage you to think about each question and answer it honestly. Only you can tell if your habits and desires are a problem.
Are the consequences of your sexual behavior, habits, or urges severely impacting your life?
Do you use sex (porn, masturbation, or intercourse) to relieve the feeling of being overwhelmed?
Are you losing hours during your day to satisfy a bottomless appetite for sex?
Is your sex life a secret?
Has your partner/spouse/significant other expressed concern about your sexual behaviors?
Do you use sex to relieve stress?
Have you tried to stop your sexual habits but can’t ‘stay stopped?’
Do you say to yourself, “I could quit if I really wanted to?” or “I could quit if I tried harder?”
Do you find yourself excusing your behavior saying, “I just have an over-active sex drive?”
Do you hide in secrecy thinking that no one would understand?
Have you sworn it off - maybe as a result of pressure from your partner - only to find yourself returning to it a day or even hours later?
Do you find yourself thinking, “If I really wanted to quit, I could do it on my own - I don’t need any help?”
Did you begin your foray into the world of sex as innocent curiosity or childhood experiment and now find it spinning out of control?
Do you skip meetings with friends or miss appointments out of preoccupation with your sexual behaviors?
Has your productivity on the job been impacted by your sex life?
Do you use work hardware to access pornography?
Do you delete your browsing history every time you use porn?
Have you lied to your partner or friends to cover up your secret sex life?
Are there physical consequences to your body as a result of your sexual activities?
Do you neglect other important life activities to indulge your habit?
Do you start with an innocent internet search only to find yourself immersed in hours of endless pornography?
Do you often feel shame after a sexual episode?
Does your sexual behavior conflict with your morals, religious beliefs, or spirituality?
Are your relationships centered around sexual preoccupation?
Do you stay up late after your partner has gone to bed to use porn in order to avoid being discovered?
If you answered “yes” to 3 or more of these questions, your sexual behavior may be problematic and is more than likely impacting the lives of those you love even though you’re not yet aware of it. I encourage you to seek out someone you trust - begin talking about it.
Self-reflection: What patterns, if any, do you recognize here? What feelings do you notice as you read the questions? Maybe you don’t consider your behavior to be “problematic,” but how can you begin thinking about your sex life in ways that are even more loving to yourself and your partner?
If you’d like to explore this with me, I’d love to meet you, listen to where you are, and share my experience. I never judge, and I won’t tell you what to do - I believe that has to come from you. Ultimately, you are the only one who gets to decide if your sexual life is a healthy, loving expression for you and your partner. But you don’t have to do it alone. Please reach out. I’d love to hear from you.
—Brian Klink