Everyday Hurts and Hang-Ups

On the first day of a recent training in trauma healing, I was paired with Chris, a gentle personality from Arizona, for an introductory exercise. Our mission: to wander the outdoors and notice with curiosity what we were drawn to. Upon returning and feeling inspired to share my experience with the whole class, I raised my hand and was quickly called on by the instructor.  I began describing my poignant moment to the class: “Chris was my partner,” I explained, “and when he…”

I heard the teacher interrupt me: “Brian,” he said gently but firmly, “Chris uses ‘they/them’ pronouns.” Gulp. The class had just started, and I was already being called out. I was mortified… I had begun to share a meaningful insight, and I had mistakenly referred to Chris as “he,” rather than “they.” I was “caught” and “corrected” in front of the whole class. I was right back in grade school again. I felt the familiar rush of shame wash over me. I struggled to regain my composure. “It’s the first hour of the first day in this new group, and you’ve already insulted someone and distinguished yourself as a f__-up,” the familiar voice of shame accused me.

Over the next hour, I calmed myself, by now quite used to these conversations with shame. I know where my shame comes from - early childhood feelings of unworth that resulted from trauma - the sense that, not only do I make a lot of mistakes, but I AM a mistake. I remembered that my strong feelings of reactivity after feeling “called out” by the instructor were not so much about the present situation as they were about the shame of early childhood and about not feeling wanted… about not feeling good enough to be accepted by the neighborhood kids. I calmed myself and reassured the younger parts of me that all was well, that there was actually no threat; I had made a simple, innocent, and forgivable mistake. I was able to turn things around and transform the embarrassing situation into a healing and connective experience. 

In my own journey, I’m learning the importance of gentle self-compassion, normalizing my emotions, and connecting them to responses in my body. Once long periods of negative self-talk and debilitating shame are now reduced to manageable experiences. Dr. Peter Levine, noted pioneer in trauma healing, says, “The trauma that once stopped us in our tracks can become instead the very key that unlocks a great transformation.” Of course, it’s not simple or easy. But the good news is you’re not alone. When you’re ready to begin the work of transformation, help is ready and waiting.

—Brian Klink