Shame: What is it and where does it come from?
Let’s start with the compulsive porn user. Shame is the notion that what he is doing is abnormal and as such, must be kept hidden. Shame is the suffocating feeling that immediately engulfs the teenage boy whose mother catches him masturbating and lectures him about how disgusting he is. Shame is what sticks with a man for a lifetime after an encounter like that with his mother.
But it’s not just sex addicts that feel deep shame. Most people feel shame at some point in life - some more than others. Shame is the voice that whispers, “You don’t have anything worthwhile to say. No one would want to be with you. You are a bad person. You don’t have a right to be here. You are alone.” Perhaps you have heard this voice.
Shame often comes from messages received and interpreted during early childhood development. The shame message may have come from a parent or other caregiver. Even well-intended parents say things like, “Don’t be a bad girl/boy.” “What were you thinking?!” “Don’t be stupid!” As children, when we hear statements like these from important people in our lives, we assume there must be something wrong with us, and we begin to believe and live this “truth,” carrying it into adulthood and relationships.
Self-reflection: Think of one or two shame messages you heard as a child. In what ways are they still affecting your life today?
The good news is… shame is not the truth. So what can be done about it?