Are you in first-order or second-order change?

In order to support men in the change they’re looking for, I’ve created an empowering online community: “Healing from Sexual Compulsion: A Transformational Community for Men.”

In his workbook, “Facing the Shadow,” noted sex addiction expert Dr. Patrick Carnes distinguishes between first-order change and second-order change. These are terms, he points out, used by scientists, who have long known that some changes are transforming and others are not. 

First-order change is actions taken to quickly stop a problem and is usually short-lasting. Carnes gives the example of a woman who married three abusive alcoholics in a row, each one worse than the last. He goes on to ask, “Did she change?” Yes, Carnes explains, she changed husbands, but her long-term situation actually worsened. This is first-order change.

Second-order changes, he goes on to describe, are “those steps that people take to actually alter the dynamics of their life.” Fortunately, the story of the woman above does not end there. She seeks help from a professional, takes a break from dating, begins to set boundaries with others, and says good-bye to people in her life that are not supportive of the person she is becoming. This is second-order change.

Interestingly, the harder we try to change addictive or compulsive habits by ourselves, the worse things usually become. That’s first-order change. Second-order change is realizing we are unable to change unwanted sexual behaviors by ourselves - we need others. Carnes reminds us that we get to choose: Will it be first-order or second-order change?

In his workbook, Dr. Carnes lists some examples of second-order change commitments: “I am unable to change without the help of others.” “I need contact with and the help of others.” “I must create support networks.”

This Transformational Community for Men was created to provide exactly this kind of support network. In this group, you will learn about adverse experiences as children and how this adversity has limited our ability to free ourselves from the chains of compulsive sexual behavior. Healing is about coming back to the Self. It’s about coming home to the body - feeling safe in our own skin. And finding inside what we so relentlessly searched for on the outside. The greatest asset of healing and wellbeing is our own innate body wisdom.

We will meet every Monday at 12:30 pm ET/11:30 am CT/10:30 am MT/9:30 am PT for 90 minutes beginning April 1st. (If you live outside the US, let me know if you need help with timezone conversions.) Learn more about this inspirational community here.

No matter where you are on the planet, there is community here for you. Don’t stay isolated any longer. Come home to your band of brothers. Come home to yourself.

“Recovery is more than a shift of emphasis. It is a series of internal movements that alter one’s life.”  - Dr. Patrick Carnes

Healing from Sexual Compulsion

A transformational online community for men